Musings 01: On Transitions
In transit... sometimes interesting but also sometimes I just wanna go home
Dear online and offline friends,
It’s Monday and it’s unusual for me to write on a Monday, well at least for the past year. I had this urge to create a Substack account and decided (really? yes for now) to move my letters here. Thought you’d notice. YES, moving my newsletters here instead of the usual Mailchimp. It’s easier to monitor what I write here and liking the interface so far — so far like 10-minutes so far haha!
I also realized that it’s the end of the month and it’s prompting me to reconnect with my few (but the best!) subscribers. It’s also going to be the last month before a new year unfolds so thought of adding more clutter to your inbox! I kid (or not?) haha!
A little while ago, I was talking to my client and she shared how she’s so excited about her upcoming honeymoon trip — but also waiting in the airport and plane ride experience she missed. We delved into that bit for a good 10 minutes because it’s also something I miss most especially as a solo traveler. I don’t know how much of you have tried traveling solo but the transit is definitely a favorite. It’s a moment I am forced to be with myself and be alert with my surroundings, some skill you master through experience. It’s when I know where I’ve been, and looking forward to where I’m headed. It’s when I also try to mull over how can I make the next destination meaningful or fun or just relaxing. The transit is a mix of excitement and nervousness, maybe with enough dose of anxiety. The transit is when you may think of planning what happens next, or tweak what you’d want to happen, or decide to just let it be.
I’m in a transition
Yes, I know we’re in constant transition but I feel like I’m in a major one. Apart from the fact that it’s the last year of the month of the year, and it’s my birth month, there are lots of things that made me think deep about where I’m currently at. Funny how that bit of conversation of waiting-in-the-airport and plane ride conversation sparked me to write this. I feel like I need to let things off of me, not just to my journal; I feel like I need witnesses, even if imaginary ones.
So here I am, I know what happened in the past. I know who I am in the past. I know my mistakes, or maybe just some of it. But who do I wanna become? Which direction do I really want to go to? When everything else is stripped off of me, who am I?
Remember that question I posted in my previous newsletter, “Is this really what you want?” I kept asking all these for the past days.
Do you ever think ‘how did I end up here?’ Nora Seed gets me
In this same phase that I also finally got to read Matt Haig’s The Midnight Library. I’ve been meaning to read this since last year (thank Goodreads reviews) but as soon as I decided that I was going to grab myself my own copy, it’s sold out. It’s obviously a beautiful book but the fact that Namjoon (of BTS) was reading this in one of their shows, In the Soop 2, got it all hyped up making it more difficult to grab a copy. Finally and thankfully, my bffs gifted me this book for my birthday! It was only last weekend that I binge-read it. I was in tears for a couple of parts particularly when Nora Seed, the main character, was reading her ‘Book of Regrets’. I. Felt. That.
Do you ever think ‘how did I end up here?’ Like you are in a maze and totally lost and it’s all your fault because you were the one who made every turn? And you know that there are many routes that could have helped you out, because you hear all the people on the outside of the maze who made it through, and they are laughing and smiling. And sometimes you get a glimpse of them through the hedge. A fleeting shape through the leaves. And they seem so damn happy to have made it and you don’t resent them, but you do resent yourself for not having their ability to work it all out. Do you? Or is this maze just for me?
— Matt Haig, The Midnight Library
Nope, Nora. It’s not just you. Reading the book prompted me to four pages of downloads from my brain to my journal. I must. Otherwise, I will be trapped in that moment like Nora’s when I can’t bring myself to close the ‘Book of Regrets’. I do have regrets. But I’d like to think that regrets are reconcilable. Some regrets don’t remain as is. Regrets expose your true values and even character — they may be your values in the past that lead to, or still are, your values in the present. Knowing things you regret help you move forward with a life you want to live, with less or no regrets hopefully. In my case, my recent regrets in life lead me to a position of understanding what values I need to improve on, a lot. It showed me my weaknesses which I thought I was already able to deal with. Apparently, not so much. It also lead me to dig down deeper to the roots of the things I want in life — why do I event want them? These same regrets also made me look forward to the future so I could turn these regrets to stepping stones instead. Reading The Midnight Library at this stage in my life, at this time of the year couldn’t be more timely.
Speaking of regrets and wants in life... BTS made me re-think about my priorities.
Ever since they landed in LA, I feel like envy is eating me up alive hahaha! On a more serious note though, it made me realize that for 2022 my priority is BTS. HAHA! No, just want to insert this sad fact and one of my what-ifs in life, I feel like I should’ve pushed myself to see them live pre-pandemic. Aaah I was such a complacent ARMY. Hahaha! If you’re not a fan of BTS, just imagine this being Taylor Swift, or Coldplay, or Exo, or TWICE, or THE BEATLES, or U2, or SB19, or Eraserheads. Imagine being a fan who couldn’t see them perform live at one of their biggest comebacks on the live stage… Yup, that feeling. Thanks for being with me in this short moment. Haha!
Moving on…
Yesterday’s sermon at church was about going through wilderness. Context — in the Bible, it took 38 years for the Israelites from their exodus to get to the Promised Land, that land flowing with milk and honey. Imagine, they were in Egypt, probably some Israelites were already content with what they have as slaves but here goes Moses freeing them from slavery. But… 38 years!!! They’ve been wandering around in the wilderness for that long. If I start counting the years from now, I would be 70+ years old before I get to experience the Promised Land! This may be the reason why, sometimes, complacency is more tempting. In actuality, the Promised Land can be reached in just 11 days. The Israelites were driven by fear, disobedience, rebellion. I still wonder at times if I am in this 38 years when it would have been just 11 days. My past regrets are in these forms. The good news is that I am living under God’s grace. There is always hope in Him. In this transition, in this wilderness, as my character and values get exposed, as I realize more things that should be, as I still get to know myself more, I also get to encounter God, exercise my faith even more. And HE knows, He listens to whatever phase I am going through. He’s with me.
"I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites.”
— Exodus 16:12a NIV
Unsolicited Updates
The Merie x Micah Holiday 2021 collection is out
I’ve told you about this in the last newsletter. So here it is! I do hope we’re able to address some holiday dressing needs, or wants!
Upcoming Rizza x Miss Merie
This was further delayed but coming real real soon!!! Sharing the first sketches.
Recommendations
I’ll be skipping this again for now but definitely Matt Haig’s The Midnight Library. And quickly recommending Netflix’s World’s Amazing Vacation Rentals — made me feel good and want to travel again.
That’d be all for now… Btw, finally camped out and be with nature as part of my birth month celebration. It felt utterly great and grounding.
Hope you like this new letters format. If not, let me know, but please be kind. Haha!
Stay amused. Stay inspired. Stay human.
Merie C.
Human being
"So here I am, I know what happened in the past. I know who I am in the past. I know my mistakes, or maybe just some of it. But who do I wanna become? Which direction do I really want to go to? When everything else is stripped off of me, who am I?"
You know, for the past few years, especially after my brother passed away, I've been grappling with these questions. But truth be told, I still haven't found solid answers. It's been a puzzle, you know?
So, in this new year, 2024, I'm hoping to give myself the space to explore more and figure things out on my own. But I'll be real with you—I get kinda nervous whenever I start asking myself these questions. It's like this anxious feeling creeps in. I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe it's because I feel like I'm lagging behind compared to my friends?
But yeah, I just love love reading your letters!! Waahhh
Happy birthday, Merie! Luv your letters huhu I read 'The Midnight Library' too and might have shed a tear or two. Why must Namjoon read all these heart-squeezing books?
This line struck me: "I still wonder at times if I am in this 38 years when it would have been just 11 days." Felt it so much. Hugs to you, hugs to us!